Tangible Changes

It's time for a reflective birthday post! Though with so many major life events happening lately, I was planning on writing anyway.

I first want to follow up on my post about preparing to love my body on my wedding day. And I have to say that not only did I love my body - I mostly just didn't think about my body at all! 

While my bridesmaids and I got ready in the morning we were a little body focused, but the great thing was that I already had all of my body preparations pre-planned. I had my hair planned with my aunt and my (minimal) makeup prepared with my sister and I had bought slick white undershorts to wear under the gown and I had broken in my shoes and I had tried the dress without the corset bra in case I felt like I couldn't move and wanted to go without it! Everything was ready and I didn't have to give anything a second thought.

Then, hair done and dress on, I went out into my wedding day without a second thought to my body (other than making sure I had sunscreen on for the beautiful weather)! The funny thing is everyone kept telling me "mazal tov, you look so beautiful!" As if that was the ultimate goal of the day. I didn't resent the compliment - it's the standard to tell the bride she is beautiful on her wedding day and I would probably have been suspicious had no one done so! And of course it felt lovely to hear that I looked beautiful. But it more accurately went in one ear and out the other. Because I did not need that validation to feel good about myself. I was getting married! To Louis!  (Not to mention, I am an overall accomplished, compassionate, fun human being! All good things!)

And then I was dancing! Because I was married! To Louis! And I don't think I've ever felt more adored, surrounded by the most important people from all stages of my life, being danced, together with my husband, into our new journey. My body did everything it needed to that day and I am grateful for that. I am also grateful that along the way I was able to stay away from body hate and torture for the sake of fitting into a smaller dress (I loved the shape and size of my dress) or being thinner for Louis (he loves my body just the way it is) or switching my soft arms for those of someone else (I didn't think about my arms at all, in the end)! My day was about me and Louis and not about scrutiny of my body.

The second thing I've noticed lately is my improved relationship with photographs. With our current social media culture, it is easy to get caught up in the desperate need to look "good" in all of the photos that are posted of us. And "good" usually means either immaculate or goofy enough that it doesn't matter. Mundane photos in which we look like regular humans get ditched faster than we can be tagged in them. Like Beauty Redefined says about the culture of selfies: First we capture the photo and scrutinize ourselves, then we select our best photo to be posted, mentally comparing our bodies to the bodies of other people in our social groups, and then we share and wait to be validated with "likes" and "comments".  We all fall prey to this.

Beauty Redefined also has a post about fighting that urge to judge ourselves when we get tagged in an "unflattering" photo.  Thankfully, something about these posts must have stuck with me.  Between college graduation and my wedding, my Facebook was popping up with notifications of shared iPhone photos capturing some of my exciting moments.  And I just looked through and smiled! Why? Because no one is looking at the weird lighting on my nose or the roll of fat under my shirt. They are looking at my smile, at my cap and gown, at my sparkling, watery eyes under the wedding canopy, at the circle of friends surrounding me at these momentous occasions.  I have to say that this new way of looking at myself has become surprisingly engrained in me, so much so that I did not even realized anything had changed until I sat down to write this post.

The last tangible change that I have noticed is my urge to move.  On my birthday, I had planned to go to a walk-in massage parlor to treat myself to some relaxation before birthday festivities with Louis.  As I walked the three blocks to the nearest massage place (oh, New York), I felt an intense gloominess and anxiety fall over me.  I have no idea why.  But I do know that I could feel in my bones that lying on a massage table for an hour would do nothing to make me feel better.  I needed to run.  I turned on my heels, hurried back to the apartment, and put on running clothes before I could change my mind.  It was the best run I've had in a long time.


I have become more attuned with my body's need to relieve stress, anxiety, restlessness, lethargy, and all manner of physical and emotional symptoms through movement.  Sometimes it's a run in the park, sometimes it's a five-minute dance in my underwear.  Sometimes I can't or won't make the time to satisfy that urge, whether because my schedule is too packed or because I am too busy taking care of other parts of my mental, physical, spiritual, or emotional health.  But I can say that I am much more tapped in to the desire to move and I take much more pleasure in indulging it.  And I don't think that is a minor change.  I think that is because I am not listening to anyone but myself and my own body to tell me when, why, and how I need to exercise.  It is just for me.  And that is a relief.

So what I want to say it this: We can make change for ourselves.  We can be kinder to ourselves.  We can learn to love ourselves better, more often, and more fully.  I can feel it happening in my life and for others around me.  And it's because of the people I associate myself with (people who make me feel great!), media I involve myself in (that takes a stand on the objectification of our bodies and teaches us how to see past it), and the permission I give myself to be critical, sharp, and aware of the effects all outside influences have on me and my love of myself.

In just a few days I will be off on my honeymoon in Barcelona and then in Jerusalem for almost a full year! The last time I lived in Jerusalem, my body love was at an all-time low and I was at risk for permanently damaging my health.  I am incredibly grateful to be returning much stronger, much wiser, and much happier than I was back then.

With love, anticipation, and a shimmy for good luck,

Gabriella



p.s.  Here are some photos that a younger me would have "untagged" that present-day me loves!

Wedding Body Love

My wedding is in five weeks.  This means a lot of different things are happening for me right now, but one of those is body anxiety for my big day.  I want so badly to be in love with my body as much as I am in love with my partner when we stand together under the chuppah (marriage canopy).  I don't want to waste a second thinking about how I look in my dress or how the pictures will come out.  It stands to reason that when the day actually arrives, I will, in fact, be too excited and distracted to be thinking about these things.  But in the past week these thoughts have taken over.

I know it won't do my health, my body, or my body image any good to go to extreme measures in these few weeks before the wedding, so I manage to refrain from jumping on the diet wagon.  What drives me crazy is that I have been progressively healthier in the last year and my body has not changed one bit.  And then it drives me crazy that I want it to change, because that goes against my pursuit of body love.

Anyway, back to the wedding.  I've decided to take some time in these weeks toning up my arms (which are the most exposed part of my body in my wedding dress) so that I feel strong and confident when I put my dress on.  (Why is everything always about the dress??)  And I have decided to take the opportunity of these thoughts surfacing to combat the distorted thinking that goes on when I think about my appearance on my wedding day.

Everyone will only be staring at my arms.
I will hate the pictures.
People will only pretend that I am beautiful.
I will be self-conscious.
Everyone will think, "If only she weren't fat."
My body will distract people from the wonderful event.

...These are just not true.  They can run around in my head all day long, but in the end, they are cognitive distortions of the reality which is that I will be beautiful, I will be radiant, and I will be marrying the love of my life, which is what the guests are excited about and will be focusing on.

As part of my battle against these exaggerated thoughts, I looked up photos of heavy brides on the internet and spent some time marveling in their happiness and beauty.  Sure, I also occasionally compared myself ("See? If she can look beautiful, so can I." or "Well, I'm not that heavy."  or "She should not consider herself heavy!!").  But for the most part, I take comfort in how many shapes of women there are in the world and how the shape of the woman makes no difference at all as she declares her commitment to her life partner.

If anyone has their own ways for battling cognitive distortion (wedding specific or in general), I would love to hear about it.

In the meantime, I will find any and all external and internal sources to help me bask in my own beauty as I prepare for this momentous occasion.

With love, anticipation, and matza*,

Gabriella


*It is passover! Maybe this is all a by-product of matza-induced bloating.

Beautifully Human

Y'all should know, the reason I keep stopping my writing for extended periods of time is because I expect myself to write fully thought out, articulate, knowledgable posts every single time. So I'm throwing that out the window for the sake of sharing thoughts with a community of friends and readers who want to hear what I have to say (surprisingly)!

I am writing today with an important message for myself and other self-conscious individuals out there who need some self-forgiveness and love. 

Today's post is dedicated to two wonderful friends of mine: One is an incredibly strong woman who is always there to talk about body image and the ups and downs of being a feminist in a still superficial world. The other is an old, dear friend, who is there for me in a real, down-to-earth way no matter what is going on in our lives.  And there is always something!  So here's to you, ladies.

I was talking to a friend about why it feels good to get new clothes and a makeover (especially when a wealthy relative is paying)! She was feeling down on herself for enjoying it and for feeling beautiful.  What is that about? She asked.  If I am a body image enthusiast and try to deconstruct the notion that my value is based on my looks, why did I enjoy getting treated to new clothes that flattered my figure and makeup that made me glow? And how can I be okay with myself for feeling that way?

The answer I gave her is one I found myself repeating in my head just one day later as I worried about why I still have the urge to lose weight. So I figure it may be worth repeating here.  In artistically-licensed letter form, of course.


Dear Friend,

You may think you are materialistic and superficial, but you are not.

What you are is a human who wants to be appreciated and loved.

And for most waking moments of your entire life, you have been fed the message that to be loved you have to look a certain way.

Materialism and superficiality are bi-products of your desire to be valued combined with your surroundings screaming at you that looking skinny and "beautiful" is the only way to achieve that.

It's okay to be disgusted by that.  But the disgust need not be internally directed.  I hope it isn't.

How can you be disgusted with yourself for wanting to be liked, valued, and loved?

To me, that is beautifully human.

When you look at yourself in the mirror and feel the "beautiful" that society tells you to be, your brain translates that to, "Thank God.  Now I will be loved." 

That's what it tells you.  "Now you will be loved." So of course you feel wonderful.  As you should.  Because being loved is a wonderful thing.

But you should know that your brain is lying to you.  

It is not your reflection that makes you loved. 

Because you were loved long before you put on this makeup and bought this new dress. You have been loved and will be loved by all of us who know you as the beautiful human you are.  

Who see the wrinkles in your eyes and remember that time we laughed so hard that we couldn't stop from squinting; we got laugh headaches.  Who see the folds in your arms and remember how good of a hugger you are at the most important moments; remembering being held by arms both soft and strong. 

Who actually aren't scrutinizing your body every time we see you and never notice a single freckle or "flaw" because we are busy listening. Because we love what you say. And we love what you do. 

So don't pay your reflection any extra attention. Because as it changes, whether by will or by fate, through the days and through the years, our love for you never will.

"I Want to Be A Farmer Because": A Documentation of Anecdotes and Desires

I Want to Be a Farmer Because...

1. Everything I learn about what my body, mind, and soul need to cooperate and be sustained makes me realize that I need to nurture, grow, and love all that I eat.  This is a process that I can feel my body yearning towards and it's much harder to do that when you just pick up something packaged and MSG-filled in the store!

I want to place seeds in the soil and labor over their growth. I want to live with the flow of the seasons, each food in its time.  I want to hold each ingredient in my hand as I wash it, prepare it, and place it with intention among other ingredients that together will create something delicious.  Something my body can understand as it travels through my senses.  I wish to have this for myself some day.

Hello, by the way.  I know it has been a while since I wrote.  So much has been going on in my life (what with graduating, planning a wedding and preparing to move to NYC) that I have taken very little time to enhance my body love lately. Except for the swimming class I was in this semester! That has been great.  But aquatic exercise aside, I am just now feeling the shame (that I try so hard to avoid!) of ignoring my body's wants and needs for the past few months.

Well for some reason, tonight I was motivated to watch Hungry for Change, a documentary on the tricks the food industry is using to keep us addicted to highly processed food.  While I already was aware of most of the points the documentary made (plus I had to stop halfway through because it stopped helping and started depressing), it was a good reminder of what I have to look forward to now that I'm back in the game.

I'll admit, though, this is always the hardest step.  I am full of shame and frustration at myself for, once again, failing to discover the natural and healthy lifestyle that my body so desires and excited, but also dreading another go round.  Nevertheless, I pick myself up, recite some love mantras, and take another step. Will this time be different? Will I find my body love for life? Maybe. It will certainly be part of the journey.

I Also Want to Be a Farmer Because...

2. I want to rid my life of as much capitalism as I possibly can.  I hate the feeling of having to go through prescribed steps in my growth as a human being just to get a money-making job, so I can give the money away for food and shelter, and so that I can save more of the money to give it away for food and shelter for my some-day progeny.  I would much rather do none of that and just make my own food (and shelter?).  I also wish I could live in a village that trades goods for other goods for a living.  But that's a whole other issue.

This goes back to all of the life transitions going on in my life right now.  Yes, I am engaged and obsessively thinking about my soon-to-be married life with excitement, nervousness, and everything in between.  But I am also going through job interviews because, well, I need to grow up and support myself! And soon my hubby! And eventually some children (with his help, of course)!  And while I am applying for positions I can see myself doing for at least the few months before the wedding...I just...don't believe in the system.  At all.

This is me in my head right now.

I don't know enough about the economy to actually make any substantive arguments here.  I simply cannot sit comfortably in my corner of this capitalist world.  I don't want to make money just to turn right back around and spend it on housing, food, clothing that is all subject to the market's whims and not set up to help me through life at all!  I would rather just make all of it myself. Self-sufficiency can be very gratifying. Granted, making housing and clothing might be a bit more complicated and socially risky, so I will let those go for now.

But as soon as I can I am buying a ranch and farming my land! That is my new life ambition and I ain't budging!

I acknowledge that this entire second reason to become a farmer seems to have absolutely nothing to do with body love.  But it is all so inextricably connected.  How can I settle into my own skin when I can't settle into the world around me? When the societal demands placed on my life course take away any reserve energy and mind space I might have for my connection to myself?

This may seem like a bleak outlook.  But someday this frustration will motivate me to make a change (like becoming a farmer) that will set me on a course to fulfillment and satisfaction.  Right? Right.

Thank you for humoring the rant that just happened as a result of not writing for too long.  But don't laugh too hard because if it happens one day (the farming, I mean), I will come back and laugh, "I told you so!"

With nervousness, hope, and fertilizer,

Gabriella

p.s. There is a chance I might, might appreciate a job in which I were working to fix an injustice or giving voices to those who feel they can't speak.  If this happens, I shall swallow my words happily and we shall all rejoice!

The DOs and DON'Ts

Once again, it has been too long since I have written here!  I'm noticing a habit of mine that when I am in flux with my body image I am reluctant to share my muddled thoughts because I worry that they will not be worth your time.  But too much worry can lead to guilt which can easily lead to shame - an emotion that I try to stay far far away from.  So here I go!


I have gone through a lot of body uncertainty in the last few weeks because of conversations with a few people who, despite having good intentions, have invalidated my convictions about body image, unintentionally making me question myself, my legitimacy, and my worth.  Instead of going into the details of these interactions, I thought I might set out some guidelines for an appropriate and compassionate approach to fellow human beings with different body shapes and sizes than your own.

The DOs and DON'Ts of a Body Image Discussion

DON'T assume that someone who believes in positive body image is making excuses for themselves.
DO give the benefit of the doubt to each human being and assume that they are taking care of their body and their health (unless they prove you wrong by their ACTIONS, not by their APPEARANCE).

DON'T assume that people need to change because they do not fit an ideal.
DO keep an open mind about what healthy might look like.

DON'T claim someone else's body for your own by trying to impress your own body habits onto it.
DO allow people in your life to experience their own struggles and reach their own conclusions that are DIFFERENT than your own.

DON'T strike up a conversation just to shoot someone down and disagree with their core beliefs that may or may not be enabling them to function on a day to day basis.
DO listen to other people's opinions.  Let their words reach you and affect you. 

DON'T try to lead someone else to your own conclusion. This invalidates their opinion and means you are focusing on how to make your argument instead of hearing what they are saying.
DO show that you care and trust that no one can understand an individual body better than its owner.

I could go on, but I want you to actually hear what I wrote, so I will refrain from ranting.

Except for this - this is my visual version of a rant.

The other thing I would like to start doing is sharing links to articles and blogs that I come across that I find inspiring.  I often post these on Facebook, as well, but I think it would be nice to gather a few for each post. So for this round...

Isabel Foxen Duke is an emotional eating consultant and writes about not equating our body shapes and sizes with our worth: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/isabel-foxen-duke/why-love-your-body-campaigns-arent-working_b_3605184.html

Beauty Redefined hits home again in quoting Nate Pyle in "The Guy's Guide to Seeing Women, Not Objects."  Reading this made me hope for a better future where men and women cooperate to make women feel like human beings and not commodities.  There is a truth in his words that I hadn't realized before, even in all of my feminist-leaning philosophies: http://www.beautyredefined.net/guys-guide-to-seeing-women-not-objects/.

They also wrote a blog post about how to bounce back from feelings like the ones I've had these last few weeks - and for their impeccable timing, I am truly grateful.  I suggest this short read about resilience and self-compassion for anyone who ever has looked at a picture of themselves and has immediately thought, "yuck!" Their words made me feel understood, encouraged me to keep believing what is true to me, and reminded me that I am not alone: http://www.beautyredefined.net/not-picture-perfect-bounce-back-from-a-body-image-blow/

I'll leave it at that for tonight!

I do want to thank all of those family, friends, and friends of friends who have gone out of their way to tell me that they are following this blog.  Your encouragement is inspirational and I hope you'll keep reading and telling me your thoughts!

With a sudden calm, a yawn, and hope for tomorrow,

Gabriella

Many Changes in a Lifetime

Hello there, dear readers,

This is scary/funny/true.

I apologize for this three-week gap between posts.  I was working through something relevant to this body love thing and I felt I needed to have a grip on what I was experiencing before I tried to write about it.  This is not a constraint I usually possess (ask my fiancé), so I am grateful that I gave myself this time to ruminate on my own.

As I mentioned in my last post, I have been struggling with reconciling my desire to lose weight and my unshaken belief in loving my body.  Not to mention that I've now broadcasted this belief to all Facebook friends, Twitter followers (all 5), and friends-of-my-parents (all 150).  It seems like there's a conflict of interest here and I have been determined to justify my feelings and actions in a way that stays true to all of those beliefs.  Now that I have begun to succeed in that endeavor, I can share what I've discovered!

Step one.  Why I want to lose weight and why that doesn't interfere with positive body image.

I will say over and over again (to you and to myself) that my top priority is health, not "beauty".  Yes, thoughts of achieving some unattainable ideal figure will inevitably pop into my head, but my motivation is mental and physical health. For myself (but not necessarily for everyone else, of course), gaining weight has added a strain on some joints, muscles, and bones that has not been there before. Feet, back, hips all can feel the change in my body, and though they are surviving, my physical joy of moving has significantly decreased.  If I can get back that joy and put a spring back into my step (literally), then I will jump at the opportunity.

From Beauty Redefined

Step two.  How I have tried going about doing that and why it hasn't worked (I think).

Because I am determined to keep my relationship to food and to my body emotionally healthy I have avoided making any sort of rules for myself when it comes to eating.  No "No food after 8pm!" "No carbs!" "Only 3.75 desserts a week!" Instead, I have worked on listening to my body, giving it what it needs, and stopping when it is satisfied.  The pitfalls in this system are twofold. 1) I can listen to my body all I want, but I can't always understand what it's saying.  I try very hard, but sometimes it is just speaking an entirely different language than I am.  2) I am very good at tricking my brain.  (Most of us are good at self-justifying.) So I may be able to tell myself that my body really does need a Venti Frappuccino to get through the day, but my body may be actually just needing a big serving of Vitamin A-filled veggies.  Together with not always understanding my body, this tactic is much easier said than done.

A beautiful photo of some vegetarian proteins!

Unwilling to give up on this mindful eating strategy (and I never will be!), I moved on to focusing on eating protein, realizing that my other food group proportions fell more neatly into place if I made sure I was getting protein at every meal and snack.  Nutritionally, this helped a lot! But proportion-wise, I ran into trouble needing to satisfy my body's hunger but knowing that if I continued to fill myself completely, I would remain at the weight I am now.





Step three.  The newest experiment.

I went to the doctor for an annual check up and we scheduled a follow up appointment for a nutrition consultation a week later (this is why it has taken me so long to write).  At that appointment, I briefly summarized my journey with my body and explained that I was looking to slowly lose weight, but was at a loss as to how to do that without losing any of my positive emotional relationship to food and my body.

The doctor assured me that that healthy relationship was of the utmost importance.  Then, she began to lay out the facts.  She told me how many calories I needed to eat in a day to lose weight and told me how that should be broken down throughout the day.  She also told me which types of foods (ie. carbs, fats, proteins, veggies) would be helpful to eat at which points during the day.

While she was calm and encouraging, I automatically had a bit of a nervous breakdown.  How was I going to do this while holding on to everything that's important to me??  The answer: I was just going to have to try it.

And guess what? It has been going well.  I told myself that I would take one week to actually count/measure food just so that I would have an accurate idea of how much was how much.  Putting a one-week limit on that part of the lifestyle change helped calm my nerves, because I knew that this wouldn't turn into a full-on calorie-counting diet.

And the most surprising part is - having the minimal amount of other guidelines has actually been INCREDIBLY LIBERATING! Who knew? But once I started, I realized that this holds true in all parts of my life; I do well with a little bit of structure. It actually makes me feel more secure and stable and healthy.

I want to emphasize here that I am sharing this as my own personal experience of this experiment and the feelings I have been having along the way.  The reason this is part of my body love journey is because it is helping me love my body, emotionally and physically.  BUT - it may not be part of yours. If there is one tenet I believe about body love, it is that we are all unique.  That is what the mainstream media tries to take away from us by selling us one ideal beauty and the fad diets and tricks to make us look just so.  That is not the love our bodies needs.  Our bodies need individual attention and a willingness on our part to adapt.  My body needs something entirely different from yours.  And then, within that one body, changes in lifestyle may be necessary.  Even the most stable of bodies change throughout their life cycles and need us, as their loving owners, to switch it up in order to take care of them.

This breakdown can't possibly be right for every human body.
You know?

So, when I say that this new way of eating has been liberating to me, I do not mean in any way to sell that to you.  I am just sharing the joy with the hope that you can read this and say to yourself, Hm...that might work for me! Or Nope...that would definitely not work for me.  Or Wow...I really don't care at all whether or not that would work for me, I have much more important things on my mind.

One really interesting thing is that I am also finding more energy to move my body. Which to me is a surefire sign that I am giving it what it needs.  Of course there are always days where I am just too wiped - but I will take advantage of the days when I am feeling feisty!

My body really is feeling good right now.  I look forward to keeping all of you updated on the roller coaster as I continue to try new things to figure out what works for my body.  Like I said, one body changes many times in a lifetime.  I don't expect mine be the outlier to this rule; I expect it to need something different later on.  If I'm lucky, it will give me a few years to function in a way of life before suggesting I change.  But should it demand something new tomorrow, I like to think I'd be willing to give that something new a try.


With strength, love, and protein,

Gabriella

Possible-izing the Impossible

Sometimes it feels like body image struggles, both physical and emotional, are impossible to overcome. I dedicate this post to everyone who keeps coming back to find their body love, even when it feels hopeless.

It may seem like one step forward, two steps back, but I have to believe - and I hope you will, too - that the reverse is True. So let's take those two steps forward, whatever they may entail for each one of us, and no matter how many times we have to take a baby step back again.

I say this to show my pride in all of you for whatever you do to increase your body love, but also as a form of self-encouragement! Since the beginning of this blog, two months ago, I have made major improvements on listening to my body and eating nutritionally.  I have not, however, been "moving" as often as I had wanted to, nor have I been slowly and healthily losing weight to relieve my joints and muscles. (See my first post for a more detailed account of my goals.)

I cannot express over typing how frustrating this is for me.  Here, I feel like I am doing everything right that I can possibly manage, and yet my body is not rewarding my efforts.  What is up with that?!

The answer is - it could be lots of things. For all of my body awareness, I cannot pretend to know everything that is going on in my body.  So I cannot despair, and I will continue to do what feels good, that is, to eat nutritionally and as my body needs it.

BUT, to satisfy my frustrated mind, I can postulate about mental blocks that may be in my way, preventing me from achieving the other hopes I have laid out for myself.  Talking with my besty from my home town this past 4th of July weekend, I discovered some of these personal mental and emotional blocks. I will go through them in reverse order:

3. My desire to feel ultra-relaxed during my downtime.  Logically, this cannot include movement.  Therefore, when I get home from work I am determined to be as sedentary (ie. restful) as possible.  We deconstructed this.

2. I feel hypocritical trying to lose weight, even healthily, because I know that a part of me still insists that I will look more beautiful if I am thinner. Even if that is not the ultimate reason that I desire a lighter physique, I feel guilty hearing it chatter away in the back of my head. We deconstructed this.

1. My sparring match with severe restrictive dieting has instilled in me an instinctual fear of hunger.  Any amount of hunger is automatic reason to find food, and if my stomach is growling, I must be restricting myself and something. is. wrong.  The problem with that is, in order to lose weight, I need to decrease my net calorie intake (ideally through exercise primarily), which, at the weight I am now, will not be quite enough to satiate me. So as far as I can tell, I will be a little hungry until my body adjusts.*  And I just cannot tolerate this. This did not need deconstructing because, as you can tell, I already knew where this one came from.

We talked these out for a long time and I won't bore you with the details.  What I will share are the solutions that we agreed may help.

Solutions (at least for now):
1. It is okay to be a little uncomfortable.  Try it and see. (I am currently experimenting with this.  It is going well, but I am still questioning when hunger is healthy and when it is not.  One technique I may try is eating small meals 5-6 times a day instead of 3 medium meals a day so that I do not feel as if I am operating on small amount of food all day.)

2. When I find myself focusing on ideal beauty, tag on a line about health (ie. "I will look so much better if I lose some weight...AND I will feel so healthy!")**

3. Relaxation does not have to be sedentary. I will attempt to do some moving as many days as possible before I relax all the way into my couch and can't get up.

A wonderful Beauty Redefined post-it note message
that I try to remind myself of when problem #2 surfaces.

Those are the experiments I am working on right now.   As I wrote this, I couldn't help but wonder if the experiments will ever end.  But why is that bad? If body health and body love will always be important to me, then, yes, I will always be asking my body what it needs.  Since it can't speak English back to me, I will have to continue to experiment to allow it to answer my questions. Maybe instead of calling it an experiment, I will call it a conversation.  Hm. Yes, I like that.  And I sure hope my conversation with my body will never end. (That would be bad.)

Well, that's it for now.  I'm off to move my body by wringing out hand-washed laundry (trust me, it is a workout).

With hope, clarity, and Dustin Hoffmanº,

Gabriella



*Since I have a doctor's check-up this week, I will follow up about this matter and let you know if that is, in fact, true.

**Ideally, I would love to cut myself off and say, "I will look so much better- NO! IT'S NOT ABOUT LOOKS! YOU WILL BE HEALTHY!" But I don't believe self-denial will do me much good.  I am subject to the unrealistic ideals of beauty as much as any other media-bashing, self-aware, body-image enthusiast out there.  The only way I can fight that body hate head on is to remove it further and further from my focus by redirecting my focus somewhere else (not by denying the thought in the first place).

ºHere's a little body love treat: