I Thought Wrong

Well, I didn't think wrong, but I am thinking differently now.  Since returning from Kripalu, I've had some discoveries that conflict with my previous conclusions.  This reinforces that the self-discovery journey is really never ending, as much as one wants to reach the end. I imagine when I am 73 I will still be learning things from grandchildren that will spin my ideals on their heads!



After self-diagnosing my amino acid deficiencies using the guide in The Diet Cure, I went to Village Vitality in West Hartford Center to get some wholesome supplements that might help balance my digestive and hormonal systems as well as give me a more steady stream of energy on a regular basis.  I met with a very helpful consultant who informed me after a lengthy discussion that if I took the supplemental doses of amino acids on top of a healthy diet containing sufficient protein that I would be peeing almost all of the supplements out.  This was a disappointment.  Mostly because it seemed like a large oversight for The Diet Cure not to mention.  Granted, I have yet to read the book cover to cover, so I may have easily missed something.  Either way, I settled for a whole foods, vegetarian multi-vitamin and a resolution to focus on getting enough protein and vegetables.

This was me after the store.

Before I explain the mechanics of the protein and vegetable necessity, I want to share how ridiculously emotional I got after this trip to the vitamin store.  I felt like this glimmer of excitement and hope that I was learning from my readings on amino acids had misled me into almost spending crazy amounts of money.  After taking a nice, calming bath,  I realized the real reason I was upset: I was looking for a cure.  Sure, I went on in my last blog post about how I was just playing! Just experimenting! And part of me was.  But part of me was hoping to take a couple of pills and never have cravings ever again. I was going to be perfect - a goal I have to constantly be reining in.  So I did just that, and I recognized that I have still gained a lot of inspiration over the past week, and things are changing!!

One of these changes is that I am tuning into the blood sugar cycles of my body and the affects of food on those cycles.  Here is solid information I can pass on from my readings:

1. Our body's energy comes from glucose ie. blood sugar that is processed from sugars we ingest.
2. However, when we eat refined sugar (from sweet drinks, juices, candy, and highly processed carbs, etc.), the sugar turns to glucose immediately, IN OUR MOUTHS!  And it's too much for our bodies.  So our insulin rushes in to absorb the sugar ASAP and turn it into fat.
3. When that happens, the glucose is swept away and we're left with LOW blood sugar (hence the sugar rush and sugar low). (Additionally, if this happens too often, we exhaust our insulin system and that's when diabetes develops.)
4. When we have low blood sugar, our adrenaline rushes in to save us from crashing into a low-blood-sugar coma and keeping us running.  When this happens too often, our adrenal glands are exhausted and we can't cope with day-to-day stress as well anymore.

So, that's the sad version.

The happy version is when you eat unrefined sugar that is found in vegetables and fruit! These turn into glucose slowly and steadily in our body and keep us running without crashing and exhausting our insulin or adrenaline.

On top of this, I mentioned last time that protein is our only source of amino acids which allow for all of the good neurotransmitting of those happy chemicals in our brains!

Really good stuff, huh?  Anyway, I'm not preaching that you should only eat proteins and vegetables, in fact, I am nowhere near to doing that.  BUT I am suddenly aware of those ups and downs in my energy caused by refined sugar and I am finding myself attracted more and more to proteins.  Speaking of which, I'm looking for simple proteins to prepare easily on a regular basis.  Got any ideas? So far, I'm going to invest in cottage cheese, greek yogurt, cream cheese, and lox for breakfast and salmon and other fish, hummus, and rice+beans for lunch and dinner.  Louis and I will be keeping a dairy kitchen this summer, so meat will have to be had at restaurants, whenever possible.

Now that I've shared these new developments, I wanted to update my How I am Going to Do This from my first post based on my new knowledge.

How I am Going to Do This (draft 2!):

~Repeat my mantra when I wake up and go to sleep (and whenever else I need).  "I forgive myself for being human." In other words, no judging!

~Move every day for 15 minutes and 3 of those times for 30 minutes.

~Continue physical therapy to heal my lower back and strengthen my core.

~Take note of energy levels and ingest food that suits those needs.
~Eat as much fresh, unprocessed food as possible.
~Allow for little rebellions in other places! Save my willpower! Play!
~Play with the ups and downs of life.  Repeat: Pain is inevitable, but suffering is a choice.

As usual, please leave comments and thoughts - it's been so meaningful to me to have such support.  Speaking of which, we have over 800 views today!  I feel absolutely blessed.  If you want email notifications when I post, don't forget to subscribe!

I am moving to New York on Sunday, but I still plan on posting when I can!

With love and steady blood sugar,

Gabriella

p.s. If anyone ever has thoughts (or even better, relevant pictures) that they want to me to post or things you want my opinion on, comment and I'll get right on it!

Divine Play and Amino Acids

Hello from Kripalu Yoga Retreat Center!  My, just three days here and I have been on an entire self-actualizing journey.  I must catch you up!

I'll begin by sharing my one take-away from this time at Kripalu.  And that is the Divine Play that is life.  I was taught this yesterday during a workshop on the original Hindu concept, called Lila.  Here is a Wikipedia explanation similar to what was told to me (translate Brahman as God):

Brahman is full of all perfections. And to say that Brahman has some purpose in creating the world will mean that it wants to attain through the process of creation something which it has not. And that is impossible. Hence, there can be no purpose of Brahman in creating the world. The world is a mere spontaneous creation of Brahman. It is a Lila, or sport, of Brahman. It is created out of Bliss, by Bliss and for Bliss.
—Ram Shanker Misra, The Integral Advaitism of Sri Aurobindo

An appropriately playful doodle.

Was that gibberish? I hope not. What it means is that God is perfect and therefore would only create the world for the sake of play, otherwise that would mean that God needed something from the world, which God could not if God is perfect. Names of god and interpretations of god aside, let me explain the message I, personally, am taking away from this concept of using the world for Bliss.  The world is the world is the world.  And life is life is life.  We are who we are and we will experience what we experience.  This does not mean we should be passive, without any hope of improving the world, our lives, or our spirit.  BUT why not experience all of these ups and downs as the Play of Life? Play, not necessarily meaning joyful, or even playful in the usual use of the word.  But play as in experience, as in optimism, as in fluidity, flexibility, and connection to the earth and to self.  Going through the waves of life with ease instead of resistance.  And I recognize, suddenly, that most of my "issues" are results of my resistance to life and all it has to offer.  Why not play, instead?


There is no end of the journey to personal happiness and enlightenment, so instead of waiting for it to end, enjoy the ride! Explore! Play! (It's okay if the word play is starting to sound funny in your head.) Even body image and food issues can be play if I just take myself a little less seriously.  This has been hard since, until I had this thought, I had been searching for THE answer during my time at Kripalu.  The cure-all that would help me figure out what step to take next.

But a cure-all doesn't exist and never will.  And if I can let go of that idea, then I will have more room for play in these sometimes tense moments.  Funny enough, as is the way of these things, the second I stopped looking for a panacea, I found inspiration!

It is....drumroll....another book!  The Diet Cure is it's name and amino acids are its game.  By that I mean, it focuses on the essential amino acids we need for chemical balance (of serotonin, endorphins, adrenaline, melatonin and all those good things) and helps one self-diagnose which amino acids one might be deficient in. And now that I'm googling this stuff, it looks that it's widely accepted knowledge! We are always told about our chemical deficiencies that cause depression, anxiety, etc. but we are never taught about how our INTAKE (ie. food) provides the proteins/amino acids that make the bindings of those chemicals possible (or impossible, as the case may be)! Such food for thought.

Apparently, amino acids are also a quite popular soy sauce substitute.
Guess what yoga retreat center has some on every table?

Now, I am not looking for a "cure" like the book offers; I kicked diets years ago and, like I said, I don't believe there is a complete lifetime solution for me, and possibly not for anyone. It does not surprise me that this how-to book is packaged to sell, like most are.  I also find the language of the book incongruent with some of my positive body-image beliefs, such as not focusing on one's weight.  But I am taken by the scientific research done by Julia Ross, the clinician who wrote the book and the (overly emphasized) success stories she has on file.  So I'm going to try out this amino acid supplement thing and I'll keep you updated about whether or not I feel any different (though it takes a couple of weeks of supplement planning, so don't expect news too soon)! If it is a cure-all, I will shout Halleluyah and dance in the streets, but for now, I'm just tryin' to play and see what comes of it!

Another little piece of inspiration came from a Lovingkindness Meditation that Louis and I attended on our first night here.  In this meditation, you give blessings to benefactors, loved ones, friends, neutral acquaintances and even people you can't stand, ending with blessings for all human beings.  During the beginning lecture session, the instructor, Bhavani, explained one purpose of meditation and that is to let go of suffering.  "Pain is inevitable, but suffering is a choice." I thought that was just the most empowering statement I had ever heard.  And I connect that intimately to the concept of living life as Divine Play.

And now I have a question for you, as I explore the possibilities of play in my own life.  Are there ways for all of the pictures below to be a part of play? (The first few may go without saying for some people.) Does it change the way you look at the pictures to imagine that there a might be a joy in going through all of the facets of life? Even the seemingly mundane, difficult, or even impossible parts?

The facets of Divine Play:

  

What do you think?

With Zen and Yoga Dances,

Gabriella

The Number on the Scale

This week I have been hyper-aware of my body.  Not just because I am writing about it to all of you, but because I am in the middle of a move from Waltham, MA to New York City! For four days I've been sorting clothes, packing boxes, lugging boxes, unloading and reorganizing just so that I could drive the four hour round trip to the city to dump my belongings in my summer apartment.  And I am so exhausted. My body is depleted. 

This is what my life consists of right now.
Kripalu couldn't come any sooner.

I have not been entirely happy with my body this week, and I'm not so sure it's been thrilled with me.  I got the feeling that it wanted me to slow down, and yet, time just would not allow for that.  I was also not enjoying the feeling of my body and how it rolls up when I bend down to pick up a box or how it aches from just one trip up and down the stairs or how it sweats down my back because it's humid out.  (Writing this, I am reminded to say to myself, "I forgive myself for being human. I forgive myself for being human.")

And finally, I chose to weigh myself yesterday morning so that I could be conscious of my body's reactions to my new healthy-lifestyle agenda.  And, lo and behold...I gained weight.  And I suddenly had a rush of thoughts

What am I doing wrong?
What do I do now?
I can't diet!
How am I going to balance all of my healthy habits and still lose weight?
Do I actually need to lose weight or am I just freaking out?
Why does this have to be so hard for me?
It must have been all of those fruit roll ups? Should I never eat candy again?


I asked myself whether or not I would share My Number on this blog. It was quite the internal debate (and still is).  Now why would that be such an intimate thing to share? I seem to be going the full-disclosure route, so why not fess up?

And I realized that that is the problem! That it feels like something I need to confess!  When I weighed myself, I automatically thought, "This is not a number that girls should weigh. I will be judged for this number."

I found this picture on About-Face.org's gallery of winners.  It's from Glamour's June 2012 issue, discussing the stereotypes placed on women of ALL sizes.  I find it fascinating and genuine and shocking.  And yesterday, I allowed myself to see my reflection from this negative, stereotypical point of view - as if ANYONE I love or care about will see that in me because of the five lbs I gained during this transitory time. ("I forgive myself for being human.")

So what do I do next? It's clear that I need a plan - if only just to feel like I am heading toward some of my goals (posted in my first blog post).

Sitting on the bathroom floor, listening to the shower run (which I do when I am in distress - water sounds have calmed me since I was a baby), I talked it over with Louis.  I felt like it was time for a food plan.  If I am indeed taking care of my body, moving it as often as possible, and treating it with respect (most of the time), then what is missing is making sure my intake (ie. food) is as beneficial to me as possible.  But food rules scare me the same way exercise has scared me - it reminds me of a restrictive time that I never want to return to.  And yet, if I just play it by ear I tend to be less mindful.

The more homemade-looking, the better.

EUREKA! Mindfulness.  That is the key, isn't it?  It has always been the key.  With Louis' help, I decided that for now I will focus on eating when I'm hungry and stopping when I'm satisfied (mindfulness) AND on consuming as little over-processed foods as possible.  This second part is new, but I feel very strongly about it; super-processed foods (like fruit roll ups, oreos, veggie patties, certain cereals) tend to make me feel sluggish, unenergized, and all around munchy.  The plan is to experiment with simpler foods (i.e.. fruit, veggies, hummus, yogurt) and to try to make some things on my own! Black bean burger recipes, here I come!

And now I am about to depart for Kripalu. What a way to start off the experiment.  Truthfully, all I want is to have the answers in my hands and to just do it, Nike style.  I wish I could write out all of the wisdom for you lovely readers, follow my own advice, and get to where I need to be.  But it's just not that simple - my body, mind, and soul all have different needs to be nourished and I am still at the beginning.

I can't wait to bring more tools home from Kripalu and to share them with all of you. Thank you for your love and support.  Come back soon! Who knows what will unfold?

With hope, excitement, and Namastes,

Gabriella

Challenging My Negative Thoughts

It's exhausting, really, how often I am trying to deconstruct my own psyche.  I am constantly learning about myself and trying to reshape my understandings of the world.  Most of this comes from WAY too much over thinking, obsession, and circuitous logic which at times has led me to some wonderful prescription medications that make me feel much more like my self and less like a computer in overdrive.

Just a fraction of these self-reflections are constructive or even enlightened.  Reading some wonderful, introspective books is one way that I am learning to monitor my progress...and the book du jour is Mirror, Mirror Off the Wall. Let me share some of my new inspiration:

"One of the most powerful things you can do to challenge negative thoughts and behaviors is to test them out. You'll learn whether or not the assumptions that you're organizing your life around are based in reality or just in your mind."

Sound familiar? It's like Kjerstin read my mind. Sometimes it feels like all I'm doing is creating a protective glass bubble around myself based on thoughts and ideas that COME FROM NOWHERE! Or that come from inside me, rather. But maybe, like Kjerstin, I could slowly adjust these ideas if it is important to me.  For example, my fear of attempting an Exercise Routine (dun dun dunnn).  Exercise Routines have at times dominated my daily schedules, sometimes pushing me to exhaustion that I could not recover from.  Exercise is tied up with dietary restriction and unhealthy habits in my mind.  So today I am scared to try to exercise.  

This picture scares me for a lot of reasons.

I attended a Drama Therapy Practice Group and decided to challenge this assumption in what's called a psychodrama (ask me for a definition of this if you're curious). Through this activity I discovered that my fear of exercise comes from a fear of failure to be perfect at it.  Failure to keep going for 40 minutes,  failure to enjoy it every minute, failure to burn enough calories. A fear of failure to move in all of the ultra-flexible ways that I want my body to move.  In other words - a fear of being human.  This is where my mantra came from.

This was step one to getting un-scared of exercise.  Step 2. Stop calling it exercise.  I just HATE that word.  It torments me.  I have decided that all I really need to do is MOVE. I just need to move my body.  It doesn't matter how.  And, god, that feels so much better.

Yay for challenging a negative assumption!  So what's next?

Food.  Food is next.  And food is the scariest because I have worked long and hard for three years to love food again in a healthy way and to enjoy it instead of merely keeping track of it.  I don't want that to change; I really don't.  So I'm moving slowly.  And, like I mentioned in my last post, maybe Kripalu will have some inspiration for me while I'm there this weekend.

Meanwhile, I found a crazy cool "poem" from Kjerstin's blog page that I just had to share, because it resonates so strongly for me.  While you're reading it, think about how often you are told just the opposite - that food is something you have to be in control of all the time, with no ups and downs whatsoever. And to that I say: BS! There is no such thing as total control.  And the more we try to have it, the more we end up scrambling as we lose our grasp.

What is Normal Eating? by Ellyn Satter

Normal eating is going to the table hungry and eating until you are satisfied.

 It is being able to choose food you like and eat it and truly get enough of it -not just stop eating because you think you should. 

Normal eating is being able to give some thought to your food selection so you get nutritious food, but not being so wary and restrictive that you miss out on enjoyable food. 

Normal eating is giving yourself permission to eat sometimes because you are happy, sad or bored, or just because it feels good. 

Normal eating is mostly three meals a day, or four or five, or it can be choosing to munch along the way. 

It is leaving some cookies on the plate because you know you can have some again tomorrow, or it is eating more now because they taste so wonderful. 

Normal eating is overeating at times, feeling stuffed and uncomfortable. 

And it can be undereating at times and wishing you had more. 

Normal eating is trusting your body to make up for your mistakes in eating. 

Normal eating takes up some of your time and attention, but keeps its place as only one important area of your life.

In short, normal eating is flexible. It varies in response to your hunger, your schedule, your proximity to food and your feelings.

My favorite line is the cookie line.  So so true.  My second favorite line is "trusting your body to make up for your mistakes in eating."  When I would restrict my eating heavily, if I tripped up at all, I would automatically feel like I would be fat forever (that is old me vocabulary, by the way...I don't use the word fat anymore). There was no going back and I hated my body so how could I trust it?  Anyway, reading this poem made me feel like there are other people out there (of course there are!) fighting for a balanced relationship with food that isn't all about control.






I am so looking forward to challenging more food-and-body-related assumptions and I hope you will be inspired to challenge some of your own! I am reminded of a motto from a wonderful organization/website called Beauty Redefined.  It is:

I believe this applies to any and all body health and awareness.  If something hurts, makes you sad, or down on yourself...then that is just not the way to do it.  So I challenge you to ask yourself if any of your health routines hurt your mind, body, or soul.  Challenge your assumption and see what inspiration shines through when you do!

I have so much more to say.  I may have to continue posting daily just for a week or so so that I can catch up on my thoughts.  I do hope you'll continue reading - or at least jump back in in a week or so after some of the rants are done.

With virtual hugs and sun salutations,

Gabriella

Loving My Body...step 104

Hello dear readers,

Welcome to my first Body Love for Life blogpost.  Right away I should say that this is not an advertisement for a program that promises body love for life.  This is about my individual journey and I would not dare suggest that my process is the same as anyone else's.  BUT, if you should find support here that will help you on your own way, please do follow and enjoy the virtual hug.

This is a very exciting time.  I am inspired!! How often does that happen? So I don't want to spend too much time talking about my past because I want to tell you all of the exciting things that my future may have in store! But I will summarize (as much as possible), my body love story.  Keep in mind that almost every aspect of my life interacts with my physical being and perception of self, so I can't possibly include it all.

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I'll begin in 7th grade when I went on my first diet.  I think it was WeightWatchers but without the points system.  Almost WeightWatchers, my mom and I called it.  Which I went on and off from from age 11 to age 17. The reasons for these diets are all of the usual ones - peer pressure, family pressure, media pressure.  I never really succeeded in getting to my Ideal Weight, I was always technically just a bit above the line.  Until my gap year before college when I exercised for 40-90 minutes a day, skipped lunch, counted calories to the decimal, and lost the twenty pounds that had been bugging me for the past seven years of my young life.

When I returned home from a somewhat miserable year in Israel (which is another story for another time), I was prepared to lose those last 5-8 lbs that kept me from my Ideal Weight.  Instead, I began binging.  Having left my program early, I had just realized that I couldn't be a perfect person.  So I lost all of the control I had desperately been holding on to. And only after gaining back all of the weight I had lost did I realize how scarily I had been acting during my gap year.  How skewed my relationship with my body was.  How badly I treated it and how much I blamed it for all of my problems.

Come freshman year of college and I had joined group therapy for girls with eating disorders and was doing individual therapy with a specialist, too.  I began to recognize disordered eating habits and distorted thinking patterns and I hadn't experienced a real, uncontrollable binge since the summer.  I read an incredible book called Eating in the Light of the Moon...it told me that I was a smart, beautiful girl, who communicated through disordered eating when others couldn't understand me.  These were vital first steps.

Next, I went to a retreat at Kripalu Yoga Center called Integrative Weight Loss, which was much less about weight loss than it was about WHY we find ourselves tortured by weight and why we turn to food and how to make those habits healthier.  The mindfulness I learned there has sent me back to Kripalu again and again to glean more wisdom about my mind, body, and soul.




As a sophomore I became inspired by a theatre class to create a project called Silhouette Theatre - a company that would use theatre workshops to inspire positive body image and combat negative media.  What a thrill that was! I still hope to create a real Silhouette Theatre in the future.

Finally, it's been 3 years of attempted mindfulness and self awareness and I struggle daily to maintain a balance between health and love.  I am just not there yet!! And now I am engaged, preparing myself to start a life with my beautiful fiancé, Louis, and I just cannot stop now.  I am determined to continue to learn more tools and to take this next step, the 104th, I believe, on my Body Love journey.

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So that's a little bit of my story.  Maybe you can relate, maybe you can't.  But we all have minds and we all have bodies and we all need to find whatever way possible to help them get along and support us in our daily and lifelong tasks.

And just a couple of weeks ago, I found this book that seemed to relate to EXACTLY what I'm worrying about now: How to become healthier without obsessing over being thin on my wedding day? How to challenge myself without scaring myself into a corner?

Mirror, Mirror off the Wall by Kjerstin Gruys (don't ask me how to pronounce either part of her name) is about a positive body image PROFESSOR who gets engaged and can't stop worrying about how she will look on her wedding day.  So she swears off mirrors and reflective surfaces for the ENTIRE YEAR....including....her. wedding. day.  She's that crazy.  I would explain more of it, but I'm still in the middle of the book, so I'm going to include inspiration as I go.

Here are some things I have loved so far:

Willpower is a limited physiological resource!!!!! What?? Yes. It uses up glucose from the body.  So if you're going to make a big life change, nourish your willpower, make it as easy on yourself as possible, and don't take on too much!

This is from Kjerstin's blog that she kept while she completed her challenge:
http://www.ayearwithoutmirrors.com

How am I going to do this? Well, I figure if I'm working on healthy body stuff, this wouldn't be the year to perfect my social life.  Done.

And if I have to save my willpower, then I should allow myself to rebel in small ways that I've never allowed myself before (because I was too busy using my willpower for them): text at work! sing on the sidewalk! wear scandalous clothing! lie in bed for more hours than I should and watch tv! See? Things like that. Can you tell that I'm excited about this part?

Another thing I loved was the idea that I shouldn't feel guilty for having farther still to go and more to learn.  I thought I was done and that I had all of the tools I needed.  But it's still too hard.  And more tools and inspiration will make my lifetime goals MORE achievable, not less.

Here are some great Kjerstin rules:

-Challenge your assumptions about yourself! (For me, this means losing my fear of my potential to relapse into disordered eating and taking a chance at healthier habits!)

-Good enough is good enough (AMEN)!

-Focus on healthy behaviors, not the number on the scale (yes, yes, yes, and hell yes).

-Look to your role models (of which I am lucky to have many)

-Ask for help and be willing to receive it. (This is a hard one for me.)

-Sanity comes first! (refer to the amen above)

and without further ado, inspired by Kjerstin's tendency to power through...

Here is What I Want:

-To eat food that nourishes me in all of the healthy-feeling ways.

-To move often enough that my body feels mobile and capable.

-To learn new ways to accomplish these and make it easy for myself.

-To slowly lose weight in a healthy manner so pressure eases off of my limbs and muscles.

-To feel supported by myself and others along the way.

-To lose my fear of myself; to teach myself that there is room to change habits without relapsing.

How I am Going to Do This (draft 1):

--Repeat my mantra when I wake up and go to sleep (and whenever else I need).  This is a sentence I created through a dramatherapy session in which I explored my fear of trying to start exercising.  It is..."I forgive myself for the things that make me human." (Or "I forgive myself for being human"...depending on my mood.)

--Move every day for 15 minutes and 3 of those times for 30 minutes.

--Go to physical therapy to heal my lower back and strengthen my core.

--Allow for little rebellions in other places! Saving my willpower!

As for food...I haven't figured that out yet.  I am going to Kripalu this weekend with my fiancé (for his first time there!) and I am incredibly excited to make some more decisions there.

This is my plan.  I wanted to let you know.  I hope you find it interesting and fun, because I am finding it interesting and fun to share it with you.  Please do leave any comments and follow me along my way as I find my Body Love for Life!

With love, warmth, and excitement,

Gabriella