Wedding Body Love

My wedding is in five weeks.  This means a lot of different things are happening for me right now, but one of those is body anxiety for my big day.  I want so badly to be in love with my body as much as I am in love with my partner when we stand together under the chuppah (marriage canopy).  I don't want to waste a second thinking about how I look in my dress or how the pictures will come out.  It stands to reason that when the day actually arrives, I will, in fact, be too excited and distracted to be thinking about these things.  But in the past week these thoughts have taken over.

I know it won't do my health, my body, or my body image any good to go to extreme measures in these few weeks before the wedding, so I manage to refrain from jumping on the diet wagon.  What drives me crazy is that I have been progressively healthier in the last year and my body has not changed one bit.  And then it drives me crazy that I want it to change, because that goes against my pursuit of body love.

Anyway, back to the wedding.  I've decided to take some time in these weeks toning up my arms (which are the most exposed part of my body in my wedding dress) so that I feel strong and confident when I put my dress on.  (Why is everything always about the dress??)  And I have decided to take the opportunity of these thoughts surfacing to combat the distorted thinking that goes on when I think about my appearance on my wedding day.

Everyone will only be staring at my arms.
I will hate the pictures.
People will only pretend that I am beautiful.
I will be self-conscious.
Everyone will think, "If only she weren't fat."
My body will distract people from the wonderful event.

...These are just not true.  They can run around in my head all day long, but in the end, they are cognitive distortions of the reality which is that I will be beautiful, I will be radiant, and I will be marrying the love of my life, which is what the guests are excited about and will be focusing on.

As part of my battle against these exaggerated thoughts, I looked up photos of heavy brides on the internet and spent some time marveling in their happiness and beauty.  Sure, I also occasionally compared myself ("See? If she can look beautiful, so can I." or "Well, I'm not that heavy."  or "She should not consider herself heavy!!").  But for the most part, I take comfort in how many shapes of women there are in the world and how the shape of the woman makes no difference at all as she declares her commitment to her life partner.

If anyone has their own ways for battling cognitive distortion (wedding specific or in general), I would love to hear about it.

In the meantime, I will find any and all external and internal sources to help me bask in my own beauty as I prepare for this momentous occasion.

With love, anticipation, and matza*,

Gabriella


*It is passover! Maybe this is all a by-product of matza-induced bloating.