I first want to follow up on my post about preparing to love my body on my wedding day. And I have to say that not only did I love my body - I mostly just didn't think about my body at all!
While my bridesmaids and I got ready in the morning we were a little body focused, but the great thing was that I already had all of my body preparations pre-planned. I had my hair planned with my aunt and my (minimal) makeup prepared with my sister and I had bought slick white undershorts to wear under the gown and I had broken in my shoes and I had tried the dress without the corset bra in case I felt like I couldn't move and wanted to go without it! Everything was ready and I didn't have to give anything a second thought.
Then, hair done and dress on, I went out into my wedding day without a second thought to my body (other than making sure I had sunscreen on for the beautiful weather)! The funny thing is everyone kept telling me "mazal tov, you look so beautiful!" As if that was the ultimate goal of the day. I didn't resent the compliment - it's the standard to tell the bride she is beautiful on her wedding day and I would probably have been suspicious had no one done so! And of course it felt lovely to hear that I looked beautiful. But it more accurately went in one ear and out the other. Because I did not need that validation to feel good about myself. I was getting married! To Louis! (Not to mention, I am an overall accomplished, compassionate, fun human being! All good things!)
And then I was dancing! Because I was married! To Louis! And I don't think I've ever felt more adored, surrounded by the most important people from all stages of my life, being danced, together with my husband, into our new journey. My body did everything it needed to that day and I am grateful for that. I am also grateful that along the way I was able to stay away from body hate and torture for the sake of fitting into a smaller dress (I loved the shape and size of my dress) or being thinner for Louis (he loves my body just the way it is) or switching my soft arms for those of someone else (I didn't think about my arms at all, in the end)! My day was about me and Louis and not about scrutiny of my body.
The second thing I've noticed lately is my improved relationship with photographs. With our current social media culture, it is easy to get caught up in the desperate need to look "good" in all of the photos that are posted of us. And "good" usually means either immaculate or goofy enough that it doesn't matter. Mundane photos in which we look like regular humans get ditched faster than we can be tagged in them. Like Beauty Redefined says about the culture of selfies: First we capture the photo and scrutinize ourselves, then we select our best photo to be posted, mentally comparing our bodies to the bodies of other people in our social groups, and then we share and wait to be validated with "likes" and "comments". We all fall prey to this.
Beauty Redefined also has a post about fighting that urge to judge ourselves when we get tagged in an "unflattering" photo. Thankfully, something about these posts must have stuck with me. Between college graduation and my wedding, my Facebook was popping up with notifications of shared iPhone photos capturing some of my exciting moments. And I just looked through and smiled! Why? Because no one is looking at the weird lighting on my nose or the roll of fat under my shirt. They are looking at my smile, at my cap and gown, at my sparkling, watery eyes under the wedding canopy, at the circle of friends surrounding me at these momentous occasions. I have to say that this new way of looking at myself has become surprisingly engrained in me, so much so that I did not even realized anything had changed until I sat down to write this post.
The last tangible change that I have noticed is my urge to move. On my birthday, I had planned to go to a walk-in massage parlor to treat myself to some relaxation before birthday festivities with Louis. As I walked the three blocks to the nearest massage place (oh, New York), I felt an intense gloominess and anxiety fall over me. I have no idea why. But I do know that I could feel in my bones that lying on a massage table for an hour would do nothing to make me feel better. I needed to run. I turned on my heels, hurried back to the apartment, and put on running clothes before I could change my mind. It was the best run I've had in a long time.
I have become more attuned with my body's need to relieve stress, anxiety, restlessness, lethargy, and all manner of physical and emotional symptoms through movement. Sometimes it's a run in the park, sometimes it's a five-minute dance in my underwear. Sometimes I can't or won't make the time to satisfy that urge, whether because my schedule is too packed or because I am too busy taking care of other parts of my mental, physical, spiritual, or emotional health. But I can say that I am much more tapped in to the desire to move and I take much more pleasure in indulging it. And I don't think that is a minor change. I think that is because I am not listening to anyone but myself and my own body to tell me when, why, and how I need to exercise. It is just for me. And that is a relief.
So what I want to say it this: We can make change for ourselves. We can be kinder to ourselves. We can learn to love ourselves better, more often, and more fully. I can feel it happening in my life and for others around me. And it's because of the people I associate myself with (people who make me feel great!), media I involve myself in (that takes a stand on the objectification of our bodies and teaches us how to see past it), and the permission I give myself to be critical, sharp, and aware of the effects all outside influences have on me and my love of myself.
In just a few days I will be off on my honeymoon in Barcelona and then in Jerusalem for almost a full year! The last time I lived in Jerusalem, my body love was at an all-time low and I was at risk for permanently damaging my health. I am incredibly grateful to be returning much stronger, much wiser, and much happier than I was back then.
With love, anticipation, and a shimmy for good luck,
Gabriella
p.s. Here are some photos that a younger me would have "untagged" that present-day me loves!
Beauty Redefined also has a post about fighting that urge to judge ourselves when we get tagged in an "unflattering" photo. Thankfully, something about these posts must have stuck with me. Between college graduation and my wedding, my Facebook was popping up with notifications of shared iPhone photos capturing some of my exciting moments. And I just looked through and smiled! Why? Because no one is looking at the weird lighting on my nose or the roll of fat under my shirt. They are looking at my smile, at my cap and gown, at my sparkling, watery eyes under the wedding canopy, at the circle of friends surrounding me at these momentous occasions. I have to say that this new way of looking at myself has become surprisingly engrained in me, so much so that I did not even realized anything had changed until I sat down to write this post.
The last tangible change that I have noticed is my urge to move. On my birthday, I had planned to go to a walk-in massage parlor to treat myself to some relaxation before birthday festivities with Louis. As I walked the three blocks to the nearest massage place (oh, New York), I felt an intense gloominess and anxiety fall over me. I have no idea why. But I do know that I could feel in my bones that lying on a massage table for an hour would do nothing to make me feel better. I needed to run. I turned on my heels, hurried back to the apartment, and put on running clothes before I could change my mind. It was the best run I've had in a long time.
I have become more attuned with my body's need to relieve stress, anxiety, restlessness, lethargy, and all manner of physical and emotional symptoms through movement. Sometimes it's a run in the park, sometimes it's a five-minute dance in my underwear. Sometimes I can't or won't make the time to satisfy that urge, whether because my schedule is too packed or because I am too busy taking care of other parts of my mental, physical, spiritual, or emotional health. But I can say that I am much more tapped in to the desire to move and I take much more pleasure in indulging it. And I don't think that is a minor change. I think that is because I am not listening to anyone but myself and my own body to tell me when, why, and how I need to exercise. It is just for me. And that is a relief.So what I want to say it this: We can make change for ourselves. We can be kinder to ourselves. We can learn to love ourselves better, more often, and more fully. I can feel it happening in my life and for others around me. And it's because of the people I associate myself with (people who make me feel great!), media I involve myself in (that takes a stand on the objectification of our bodies and teaches us how to see past it), and the permission I give myself to be critical, sharp, and aware of the effects all outside influences have on me and my love of myself.
In just a few days I will be off on my honeymoon in Barcelona and then in Jerusalem for almost a full year! The last time I lived in Jerusalem, my body love was at an all-time low and I was at risk for permanently damaging my health. I am incredibly grateful to be returning much stronger, much wiser, and much happier than I was back then.
With love, anticipation, and a shimmy for good luck,
Gabriella
p.s. Here are some photos that a younger me would have "untagged" that present-day me loves!
