The Number on the Scale

This week I have been hyper-aware of my body.  Not just because I am writing about it to all of you, but because I am in the middle of a move from Waltham, MA to New York City! For four days I've been sorting clothes, packing boxes, lugging boxes, unloading and reorganizing just so that I could drive the four hour round trip to the city to dump my belongings in my summer apartment.  And I am so exhausted. My body is depleted. 

This is what my life consists of right now.
Kripalu couldn't come any sooner.

I have not been entirely happy with my body this week, and I'm not so sure it's been thrilled with me.  I got the feeling that it wanted me to slow down, and yet, time just would not allow for that.  I was also not enjoying the feeling of my body and how it rolls up when I bend down to pick up a box or how it aches from just one trip up and down the stairs or how it sweats down my back because it's humid out.  (Writing this, I am reminded to say to myself, "I forgive myself for being human. I forgive myself for being human.")

And finally, I chose to weigh myself yesterday morning so that I could be conscious of my body's reactions to my new healthy-lifestyle agenda.  And, lo and behold...I gained weight.  And I suddenly had a rush of thoughts

What am I doing wrong?
What do I do now?
I can't diet!
How am I going to balance all of my healthy habits and still lose weight?
Do I actually need to lose weight or am I just freaking out?
Why does this have to be so hard for me?
It must have been all of those fruit roll ups? Should I never eat candy again?


I asked myself whether or not I would share My Number on this blog. It was quite the internal debate (and still is).  Now why would that be such an intimate thing to share? I seem to be going the full-disclosure route, so why not fess up?

And I realized that that is the problem! That it feels like something I need to confess!  When I weighed myself, I automatically thought, "This is not a number that girls should weigh. I will be judged for this number."

I found this picture on About-Face.org's gallery of winners.  It's from Glamour's June 2012 issue, discussing the stereotypes placed on women of ALL sizes.  I find it fascinating and genuine and shocking.  And yesterday, I allowed myself to see my reflection from this negative, stereotypical point of view - as if ANYONE I love or care about will see that in me because of the five lbs I gained during this transitory time. ("I forgive myself for being human.")

So what do I do next? It's clear that I need a plan - if only just to feel like I am heading toward some of my goals (posted in my first blog post).

Sitting on the bathroom floor, listening to the shower run (which I do when I am in distress - water sounds have calmed me since I was a baby), I talked it over with Louis.  I felt like it was time for a food plan.  If I am indeed taking care of my body, moving it as often as possible, and treating it with respect (most of the time), then what is missing is making sure my intake (ie. food) is as beneficial to me as possible.  But food rules scare me the same way exercise has scared me - it reminds me of a restrictive time that I never want to return to.  And yet, if I just play it by ear I tend to be less mindful.

The more homemade-looking, the better.

EUREKA! Mindfulness.  That is the key, isn't it?  It has always been the key.  With Louis' help, I decided that for now I will focus on eating when I'm hungry and stopping when I'm satisfied (mindfulness) AND on consuming as little over-processed foods as possible.  This second part is new, but I feel very strongly about it; super-processed foods (like fruit roll ups, oreos, veggie patties, certain cereals) tend to make me feel sluggish, unenergized, and all around munchy.  The plan is to experiment with simpler foods (i.e.. fruit, veggies, hummus, yogurt) and to try to make some things on my own! Black bean burger recipes, here I come!

And now I am about to depart for Kripalu. What a way to start off the experiment.  Truthfully, all I want is to have the answers in my hands and to just do it, Nike style.  I wish I could write out all of the wisdom for you lovely readers, follow my own advice, and get to where I need to be.  But it's just not that simple - my body, mind, and soul all have different needs to be nourished and I am still at the beginning.

I can't wait to bring more tools home from Kripalu and to share them with all of you. Thank you for your love and support.  Come back soon! Who knows what will unfold?

With hope, excitement, and Namastes,

Gabriella